Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Librarians to Get Pants: Fact or Fiction?

A $300.00 announcement by Ass. Dean Sam Scotchlick yesterday will see for the allocation of pants to all male reference librarians at University Library.

"Now, our male librarians will have pants. No longer will their legs be subjected to paper cuts and toner ink stains," said Scotchlick at an announcement given next to The Sacred University Diorama™. "Finally, they will now have somewhere to put their wallets."

The new funding for librarian pants is long overdue, according to some male librarians.

"I might have taken a job elsewhere if I knew up front that I couldn’t wear pants at the desk," said disgruntled Reference Librarian Brad Stevens. "I have very feminine legs, which made me the butt of many jokes from my subordinates. This indignation has led to my abuse of alcohol, prescription drugs; and, my habit of charging at patrons while braying like a sheep."

Library Associate Stevey Crier, presently “drying out in rehab”, was on hand for the announcement via videophone. He gave it his support.

Said Crier: "Yeah I was getting tired of seeing his [Brad’s] skinny legs. I guess it's good news that he finally will have pants to wear.”

Male reference librarians have been pantsless since substantive cuts made to the library budget in 2001. While the decision to cut away pants funding for male librarians was a controversial one, it was seen as necessary if the Ass. Dean’s wanted her new office built.

"Everyone had to do a little belt-tightening during those dark days," said Scotchlick, (Ass. Dean). "Actually, maybe that's a poor choice of words…"

However, Stevens was not impressed with the administration’s announcement.

"This…this is just [expletive deleted]! Four years without pants and now they act like they’re doing me a favor! They’ll be sorry! First this, then they made me share an office with a self-described “blond bombshell” who didn’t use deodorant or ever actually work! Mark my words, they’ll regret the day that they ever hired me..."

Despite his support, Library Associate Crier expressed the need for all male staff members to have pants.

"If I could afford it, I would buy a pair of jeans, but you know, gotta buy booze and pain meds. Sure, our female administrators get pants to wear around the library, and here I am in my jockey shorts. Do you know how embarrassing it is to shift books in your boxers?"

Ass. Dean Scotchlick could not be reached for comment.

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